The Pain

 

You calmly say that you are mortified
That I accuse you of doing that to me.
You stop denying it and give in a little.
You say your remember something similar to what I described,
But your were only joking around.
Believe me, I wish I could believe that,
I wish I could just drop all of this shit
And move on with my life.
But I can't forget the feelings of hurt and guilt you have caused.
I am so mad, so angry, so livid.
I just want to crash through a window
and die a slow and painful death.
I want to confront these emotions and kill them.
They don't deserve to take over me.
Nobody deserves to take over me.
I understand that. I believe that.
I accept that. That is right.
But why can't I defend the truth?
I put up with all of the lies
And listen to myself silently scream
For anyone, for anything,
A way out, For happiness,
To escape this torture.
Nobody is answering and inanimate objects don't have a voice.
People keep telling me that I am not alone.
I want to believe them,
But I can't picture anyone else going through this.
Everyone says there are so many people
Who have survived this pain,
But nobody ever mentions the people who haven't
Even though there are many out there.
The future can't be predicted
So where I am going to end up can't be seen.
I wish I could believe that everything
Happens for a reason and that I will survive,
But shit happens that makes me feel uncertain
And I question the things that I used to think were right.
I want to be able to deal with this.
I want to be as strong as everyone thinks I am.
I want to stop the intentional self damage
That is leaving scars that have or have not been asked for.
I want to stop ruining my body and put my life back together.
In my long journey from point A to point B
I have finally come across a glass barrier
That is really hard to break through.
I don't know if I can make it
Without hurting myself severely in the process.
I am getting to the point where I am about to give up
If somebody doesn't start to realize
How serious this really is and how much I really hurt.
My problems are a thing of the past.
I have to convince myself of that.
I have to believe the lies that are ruining my life.
That is what most people think
Except I know the truth that is getting to hard to conceal.
I need to cry, I need to scream,
I need to breakdown.
I need to stay strong, I need to hold myself together,
I need to help others before I help myself.
I need to learn to deal with this
But the problem with learning
Is you learn for your mistakes.
That would be fine except you also learn from
Everyone else's mistakes.
I don't want to have to learn from your mistakes.
I don't want to have to pay the consequences
For something I didn't cause to happen.
Ha, Joking around.
You make me sick.
Soon you will be aware of my feelings
And hopefully you will understand where I am coming from.
You are the only person I dislike so much I hate.
I am so upset I want to collapse and fade away underground,
If only I had to courage to free myself from this madness.