Friday, March 18, 2011

Disappearing into Thin Air: Here Today; Gone Tomorrow....


Sometimes, remembering hurts.
It's sad when you can't think back to any time in your life when everything made sense and was blissful, or when you felt at peace.
Sifting through the memory banks, only finding pain and discomfort, awkwardness and degradation.
When not one day in your life went smoothly with no bumps...not one.
Someone, or something always went all to hell, making even the best of days ruined.
It never failed.
Yet, it always failed; it just depends on how you want to look at it.
The people you loved and trusted the most, even they let you down, and caused you immense pains.
Pains, in which they'd die if they knew what they did to you, and how it makes you feel to this day.
How do you get over these things, when you remember all of it, every horrid detail, every sensation, every smell, every grimace, every tear, all of it.
Longing to be one of the lucky ones, whose abuse has been forgotten or blacked out.
Trying and trying over the years to forget, with no luck at all.
You think you've moved on, and then at random, something triggers a memory.
Or you're sitting there reminiscing the good times here and there, and then in the mix, of course you remember something awful, and it ruins your night.
Still to this day it ruins you!
You know so well the almost seemingly rehearsed speeches you've given to others over the years, and still them advice on how to move on, and how to recognize their self worth enough to know they deserve love and happiness, and to do what it takes to not let things bother them and get them could go on and on with the best advice EVER heard, you can know it inside and out, but it doesn't change it inside you.
You still hurt.
You need closure, but you know damn well you'll never get it.
So, what now?
What does one do when no closure is to be had for their pains and strife?
How do you forget?
How do you let go, when it's still there...nagging you like a horse fly flying in circles around you, no matter how fast you still catches up and buzzes around your face like it hasn't eaten in years and now you're the only thing it wants, so it's not going away.
It's the most frustrating thing in the entire world.
Sometimes late at night, laying in bed, you'll be almost asleep, and BOOM!
A flashback, out of nowhere, you weren't even trying to think back that far, but there it it or not.
A bad memory, and now, even in dreams you can't escape.
The last memory of the night sweeps through your dreams, and nightmares abound.
The next morning, you awake, feeling empty inside and awkward as all hell.
Feeling like your dreams were almost really reality, and the wounds are still fresh.
It ruins your entire day!
You try throughout the day to lift up your spirits.
You draw, paint, write a happy poem, go outside and smell the fresh air and listen to the birds swaying in the breeze with the branches on which they are perched.
Yet, never fails, somehow something bashes you in the skull with negativity.
You try and muster up the self esteem and courage to fight against it, be brave, be strong, be better than that bullshit...take a stand, and say,
"I won't let this get me down, NO SIR!"
...No, sir, indeed.
It only lasts so long.
The soul is weak, tired of always trying to fight off the memories and negative spirals of life.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
The worst part of it is, the people and the things that cause the most damage are the people and things you love the most, and what matters to you more than life itself.
Funny how that works.
So, what is the person with all the great advice supposed to do when their advice doesn't work for their own issues?
Where do they turn?
No one else has much of any advice that you haven't heard before, said before, and it irritates you to even hear it from someone else, as if they think you're not intelligent enough to see these things already, and know how logical it all is.
You know how logical it is and how great it sounds, and how it SHOULD work and make perfect sense, but it doesn't.
It just doesn't.
Why won't it work for YOU?
It's not because you're not trying.
It's not because you won't allow it to work.
You've tried for years to LET it work.
You're still too weak.
You are still too weak.
You need to find the strength...but where do you find that?
How do you hold onto it once you've found it?
How do you not let the pains, and the negativity, and the bullshit get you back down?
Are you even ready to let go?
Are you ready to be there yet?
Have you even met your mental and emotional issues head on, and conquered them enough to be that person?
CAN you be that person without finding the strength first?
Do you need to find the strength before you can fight off the demons in your skull?
Or do you find the strength in conquering those demons?
How do you know?
What do you do?
How do you tell the noise in your mind to shut up long enough to think it all through in the first place?
The screaming inside of your mind is so loud.
It's hard to think.
It's hard to sleep.
It's just hard.
Does anyone know...does anyone know what to do?
Would you listen to them even if they did?
Would you know it was the truth even if they told you, in the first place?
Who, what, when, where, what extent???
Does anyone know?
Does anyone care?
Is anyone even listening?
Why not?

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